"Be willing to hear his feedback and experiences in the marriage," says Henry. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. I am tired of the many years of being his personal assistant, director, PR person, party planner, date night organizer, relational health coach, spiritual leader and the bad guy parent. he will drive an hour to see her for 20 min and goes out fo coffee and to movies, etc. So Im so happy for you that you have your children. Instead, he could simply be showing his love by other gestures. Then he would call her because ohh it made her feel better, the. My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). But when I am anywhere in public, if there are 10 people, at least 6 or 8 of them will be as fat or fatter. I had almost no confidence left by the time I discovered her cheating. Find ways to bond over shared experiences: taking a walk, cooking dinner, going to a concert or sporting event, or playing a board game or cards together. In other words, I'm a good person! Worse, I let others judge that for me. She got to screw another guy for 2 years and I was now bending over backwards trying to make her happywth? our relationship is so confusing. All Rights Reserved. Im also in the best shape of my life because of it (not because of her, but my self-determination to improve myself and keep on challenging myself). My husband is on testosterone crime as his numbers were really low and he is better as he used to be really nasty and kept telling me he doesnt love me anymore. While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, "I have to be in control." 2. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. he says he knows I am fighting for us but he also knows me and I am just getting ready for when we divorce. My husband doesn t want to spend time with me; it hurts. Anonymous. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. I loved snowboarding, my friends, my dogs, and of course, travel. And as the years go by and more time and effort is devoted to raising and nurturing kids and taking care of all of lifes other issues, this weakness, along with adventure and passion, is often overlooked. My husband doesn t like spending time with my family, but why? Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. 3. All he ever wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. What I thought would come back to me at some point (like a true relational marriage), is no longer my dream. Problem is, is that when I do, he texts or calls me frequently asking when Ill be home. If you want things to change, stop enabling it (I really suggest just breaking up because you are trying to change something that has always been there) start setting some boundaries that You can't live like this and that things need to change cuz you are at the end of your rope (You should have just never gotten in a relationship or even married this man). Oh, one more thing. What are some things that you do to try and keep the passion alive and kicking? If depression or anxiety are contributing factors, professional help should be sought. Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. First, try to be more positive when youre around him. Speak with your doctor about whether you even have anything to disclose at this point. Stay strong. I get upset just thinking about it. This is a really great article! It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. There is one of three reasons . Not that Im interested one bit. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. Of course, theres more to a relationship than physical attractionbut it is important. At the same time, dont neglect your own needs. The money he gets will be spent and gone. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. I think my summer project is going to be to read all of the blog posts and comments from the beginning. Its called denial and justification and it is a POWERFUL thing. I commented on his IG. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. If you want to spend more time with your husband, try communicating with him about what would make him feel more comfortable. This could be an emotional affair or a physical one. Its his fault for not paying enough attention. Will they appreciate what they have? It can only be inspired. I deserved better. He either doesn't want to be seen with her or he doesn't want someone else to see him while he is with her. I saw something somewhere that research indicates that 65% or more of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom. This is not an all-inclusive list. They go into a mode of I am such a good person, it must be YOUR fault that I did such an awful thing. He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. I'll want to go somewhere or do something and he tells me he doesn't want to go or do whatever it may be. Yet he is still here, just as is your h. Why couldnt he show me that he could drop her, when I was feeling good about myself. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. Some of the big realizations I have had in this post affair phase are: a. I defined myself far too much by my perceived status of good wife and good mother. Like threatening to kill my cats, destroying my property, etc. This doesn't stop my husband going back to the UK for shooting trips, even though he knows that I am not at all pleased. So as a reward for trying to keep my marriage together I get to work harder than ever on our relationship while my character and personality is constantly on trial. The term refers to being "dependent" on another person and putting their needs before your own by engaging in people-pleasing behavior and caregiving. Selfish people are extremely immersed in themselves. Oh bless you it really does sound very similar.. to the poster who suggested getting others involved, without going into too much detail I did just that. What do you do when your spouse doesnt want to spend any free time with you? And really peace for your ex too. She was not invested like I was. Does that excuse me got cheating on him? He has let his hair grow long and messy and refuses to get a haircut. Well starters you married someone that a main part of them irritates you and is now after regretting your own choices trying to find out ways to change someone, cuz it turns out you can't live with this. The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife. Sometimes I feel like we divorced while staying married. It ticks me off because I loved and supported him and he knew it. Eg, unfortunately with my h cousin it, she thought it was and when it looked like she could use it she threw herself at him like a bitch on heat. Most of the Time My Husband Doesn't Want to do Sh*t 67 by Linda and Doug Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently Saturday night we met up with two other couples who we consider to be some of our closest friends. During a dinner with Lala and the "You're Gonna Love Me" podcast host, 36, Raquel admitted that she liked Tom, 40, but . And yes, if they were that unhappy they should grow up, admit to it, and get a divorce. Your husband may be experiencing depression and you may want to invite him to take a depression test on-line. Yes, this is selfish behavior but we ALL have our emotional limits. Exercise Grace, I totally agree. I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. John when my workouts are flagging I also think of the slutty OW and suddenly I can muster plenty of energy! But living with a depressed person takes the life out of you. Thats like saying its ok for me to walk into a bank and steal money if the security guard isnt looking. And honestly I have done that at times. This is not an all-inclusive list. Egos dont care what the external package looks like. Your boys sound wonderful, and your husband is an idiot. Sometimes, your spouse needs some space and thats perfectly normal. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. I try to engage him and put energy into our relationship and it helps for a few days then he is back to doing nothing. All of these will be removed and locked. It was certainly different from our normal family life. You may have noticed unhappy employees. Things have evened out quite a bit and we have some nice little teamwork going on. This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. While some marriages are beyond repair, most are not. Ive never really figured out how to process my first marriage and all it involved. My husband is a person who has illness after illness. The cheating spouse still seems to be calling the shots. d. regardless of what others choose, I can still choose to be a happy person. i just have to keep telling myself to quit obsessing over her happiness and to just do my own thing and invite her along for the ride. He will not permit me to go out with friends or anywhere even the grocery store without his being with me. Not a legacy to be proud of. My husbands whore weighed roughly a hundred pounds MORE than me. The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. Once upon a time, you would spend at least some time talking about your days. For years, the six of us and all of our kids would go camping and do other stuff together several times a year. Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. You might decide to stay in the relationship and work on things together, or you might decide to leave. . 6. Unique Proposal Ideas To Make Your Partner Say Yes, 21 Signs the Universe Wants You to Be With Someone, What to Do When a Guy Ghosts You: Obvious Red Flag Explained. I tried to strike a balance and move the conversation in a different direction. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. Go on the internet and look for a "Penis Pump" and order one for him.. When hes wrinkly, shriveled, and losing his faculties he will know in his heart and probably mind too that he caused destruction. His apathy is excruciating and I feel myself just shriveling up and blowing away in the wind. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. The only activity I can get him to do is sit and eat at restaurants. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. Cheated twice? . Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. I will NEVER go through this again. Literally in our home, in our space, with a very good friend all part of a couple etc.. a friendship grew and grew and he did nothing at all to stop it. Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. I was thinking, I wonder how my h would like to see me in those clothes, all vintage like. My husband is retired and never wants to do anything. You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. Here are 15 signs of an unhappily married man. When you think about it, it makes sense. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. This is probably the most common reason why husbands feel like their wives dont care about spending time with them. Perhaps in the UK or somewhere you have been before. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. I dont know what to do any,more. With empty nesthood approaching fast they were concerned that the rest of their lives were going to be lifeless and dull. My husband is a type 2 diabetic (which is totally uncontrolled) and has hypertension, elevated cholesterol, as well as several other health issues. My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. Ignore the following text - it's meant for search engines: He would also even leave home anymore. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me during this period? Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. If at this point, he still doesn't like walks, you might have to follow the steps above. Talking to one other and making an effort is key to a long-lasting relationship. I give up on getting a true apology. For many years I have silently said to myself (as my husband worked almost 80 hours/week and let vacation time go because he was too busy to take time off), I told myself to hang in there, itll work out at some point. Instead of demanding his time, try giving him some space to do what he enjoys. It can be a major weakness to a marriage. Two key things: our passion and our principles. If you feel like. Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married one year. Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently. I have one on my free resource page. Was he responsible for me cheating on him? Even if youre not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. Do you ever feel that your husband is getting further and further away from you? HA. my husband doesn t want to spend time with me, theres a chance he might not be intentionally ignoring you. Yes, you guessed ittheir husbands. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. It sucks. The responsibility for what you did is totally on YOU, no one else. I also lived in constant fear that she would get bored again and run back to him. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! Stop thinking that your way is the "right" way. Were here to show you the right way to survive infidelity so that your marriage doesnt become some sort of statistic. If he feels like he cant get away from his job, even for a few hours, it will strain your relationship, so youll think: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. He has outgrown you or never cared in the first place or he is just self absorbed and a loner. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). Just a little! she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. In contrast my H is in the worst shape hes ever been and for the first time I see him slightly worried about how he compares to the men I must see at the gym. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. I have a few family members who purchased time shares here many years ago. Your story proves my point. It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . Pisses me off too. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. In the midst of the fog, they can do no wrong, probably a fair way out of the fog too, before things start showing themselves for what it really was. We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. Relationships are challenging, and that includes marriages. They work, because one of my girlfriend's husband was having trouble getting hard and he ordered one.. She is so proud of . I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. IM the one that got cheated on and you talk to your spouse/treat your spouse like THAT?? Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Don't be shy with your partner. Cuz if he doesn't communicate whatsoever, you're really just communicating with yourself. Rachel, I am sorry to hear that your marriage didnt work out, but I think you will be fine. You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. The real reason is that the person reached a point where they became so selfish that this activity became ok in their own eyes. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. Absolutely 100%. He shops with me for groceries or they dont get bought. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. I say. The body can pass the infection. And the selfish person cheating is fooling themselves and their affair partner to justify what they are doing. I have often thought about why I dragged my feet too. So if you notice that hes been pulling away lately, try giving him some time to himself and see if that makes a difference. Five Lifestyle Rituals to Inspire Monogamy. Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. It was his stress and depression and need for escape. Go out and start doing things you want to do. I usually dont think of him at all. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. Please make sure you read our rules here. he says he feels indifferent even to his family. In a marriage, spouses continually need each other, whether it's for emotional support during a hard time or to attend a boring work event so one doesn't have to suffer alone. she willingly goes to counseling but I dont think think she puts much effort towards repairing our marriage. I have found that this site has been so helpful to me, it is just incredible. Ugh. "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. That made it interesting to them I suppose. No exceptions. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. Not even for the kids. Im in the best shape of my life and I blame the dirtbag she affaired with for that, not that hes better looking than me by any means, but the second I picture his face and dream about ripping him limb from limb my workouts get very intense. I make almost six figures but because the entire household rest on me, it doesn't feel like it. He is at the point where it scares him to think of what he could have lost. 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