Married. What did one cheese say to the other on its birthday? If I wasnt 99, Id be dead.. How did the mathematician deal with his constipation? 32: Why do women have vaginas? I bought a box of condoms earlier today. 8. But her aim is steadily improving.An American woman married a British man. If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! Are you an adult? I lost my virginity under a bridge. 79. You dont let your friends borrow your Lamborghini. You just happen to be extremely wise. Because it was feeling crumby. 56. What did the elephant want for his birthday? 73: Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? I dont know how to do it. Because it didnt give a hoot. The cashier asked if Id like a bag. What do you call balls on your chin? One liner tags: animal, hate, love, men, women 98. After ten years of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today.She said she was sorry she married me.My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell; she broke every bone in her body.1 year later she recovered. You would not use any of these if you werent: Well, these joke are silly, but still funny: Jokes about sex are eternal. What goes up but never comes down? If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts. 59: The best curve on a girl is her smile Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass. Not by a long shot. Ive got a boyfriend at the moment. What did the O say to the Q? Ate something. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what shes going to exchange it for. Whats warm, wet, and pink? But, for better or worse, these best wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter. 34. Why are YOU shaking? Always end up at self-checkout. Shes going to eat me! I wore the wrong pair of socks. Whats the difference between being hungry and being horny? WebOne prick and it is gone forever. WebCheckout the blow nasty jokes and one liners- Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! What do clams do on their birthdays? Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. Im ear to party with you! One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. Birthdays are good for you. When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. So men will talk to them. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? Just all in my experience. David Mitchell, I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry. Victoria Wood. Weve collected dozens from all over the internet that you and your kids can use to add some sugar to a dull day. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.He said, I just used a modem.Two men were talking about their wivesThe first man says My wife is an angel.The second man says Youre lucky, mines still alive.My wife said if I dont get of the computer shes gonna slam my head in to the keyboardbut I think Ill ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhfHow can you tell if a woman is divorced?Shes bungee jumping for joy.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.She still isnt talking to me.What do you get when you play a country song backwards?You get your wife, your house, and your kids back.What does the word gay mean? asked a son his father.It means happy, replied the father.Oh, contested the son, so you are gay then?No, son, I have a wife.My wife left me for an Indian guy.I know hes going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.Man: I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months.Friend: Why not?Man: I dont like to interrupt her.My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. 59. 81. More often than not, birthdays keep reminding us how much older weve gotten. Three words to ruin a mans ego? its harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. I'm emotionally constipated. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken. 64. You never listen. Me: Ohhhhhh.. My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. Reporter: Excuse me, may I interview you?. Whats a adult actress favorite drink? Once you open it, you realize its half-empty. If youre celebrating a friends or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with these birthday jokes mentioned below. , If you and your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy. , I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.For the life of me, I cant remember why I got married.Being married is like having a best friend who doesnt remember anything you say.Marriage Tip: Your wife wont start an argument with you when youre cleaning, just as you wouldnt when she is cooking your favorite meal.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.If you want to change the world, do it while youre single.Once youre married, you cant even change the television channel.85% of married life consists of yelling what? from the other side of the house.It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. 26: Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8 to 11 tall. And a little laughter goes a long way to add cheer to the occasion, whether the celebrant is enthusiastic and ready to party or would prefer to hide under the covers with a giant slice of cake (and maybe a tumbler of wine). It was already booked up. The wife divorced him.My son asked me what its like to be married. 100. Whats red and moves up and down? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Im here to help.Wife: I just need two things right now: some space and time.Einstein: Ok, so whats the second thing?Ive just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday.I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.Me: Are you okay?Dentist: Im just a bit surprised. 29. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. How moving was the message in the birthday card? Why does popcorn always have great birthday parties? They take the cake. Gary Delaney, What do you call a video of two toads having sex? I personally am on the fence. Whats the best way to remember your wifes birthday? (At your age, thats the only way you can hear me.) Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Hold onto your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob. What's the left side of the birthday cake? Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? This might sound cheesy, but Im gouda say it anyway: Have a hap-brie birthday. 15. Because at my house theyre 100% off. 44. Why did God give men penises? Spellebrate. A: Thanks. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." To Who? Freeze a jolly good fellow. 1. They both have an ability to misfire. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Lets play carpenter. A submarine. Why dont you do that?Husband: How could I do that? We suppose you belong to those daredevils. Burn a body at a crematorium, youre being a respectful friend. Do it at home and youre destroying evidence. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. King Henry the Second who? If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. If you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. Why arent koalas actual bears? See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Not the best advice Id ever been given. Why did the pickle have so much fun at the birthday party? What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday present? The guy goes, So you can put it up yourself? I said, No, I was thinking the living room. Gary Delaney, I asked a Chinese girl for her number. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Sex on TV cant hurt unless you fall off. Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife? How was the birthday party for the fish? Why do vegans give better head? Here are some funny wife jokes about them. Do share these dirty wife jokes with your wife. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, You look like a million pounds! Marriage? Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Grandma, is it exciting being 99? asked the young girl.Grandma replied, It certainly is! On my 18th birthday, my grandmother shared some wisdom: "Remember these two words that will open a lot of doors throughout your life: Push and pull.". Its a reasonable compromise. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.Hey what is the difference between a painting and a wife?Only the wife was hung upNever laugh at your wifes choices. I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.Onions was a good dog.I just asked my wife what shes burning up for dinner, and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?Tequila.My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him Id start lying to my wife.There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.Today was a terrible day. How do you get a nun pregnant? 54. Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: The speed limit of sex is 68, because at 69 you have to turn around. 77. Its a blowout. A: a rip off. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 91. Shout out to my BFF on your birthday! It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. Your job still sucks. Why do women have orgasms? Why did the bakery get robbed? WebCheers on your birthday! 48. The more you play with it, the harder it gets. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck. WebThe monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. A 53: Why cant men get mad cow disease? Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. Every morning I like to remind my wife whos in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can watch myself walk out of the church a free man.The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest hes too old to do it.I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who dont. Because everyone kept toasting. A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. Thats not to say the images on this page will make you any smarter, but they may offer you some material you can use in a variety of ways. And now Im thirsty. Donut give up. A slipper. 68: Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? What did the lawyer drink on her birthday? You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake. I know they mean well. Dont use them at work or around children. If any of the jokes have offended someone, my intention was not to do so. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! 41. However, they are not appropriate in most occasions. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy? Marriage may be difficult. Her mom responded, Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!. He only comes once a year. I said no, Ill just turn the lights off., Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: theyre the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips. Frankie Boyle, The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the cup. Just be careful: You can send some of these memes as a message to the right person: Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild? Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? 40. 8: Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris. And if theyve got eggs, get six.After a while, hes back with six loaves of bread.The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?He replies, They had eggs.My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.So, now its just a waiting game.Husband to Wife Start your day off by learning to embrace mistakes.She rushed to hug him.Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some Sleeping Pills.Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?Doctor: They are for you!! "I think you're cool. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Donut be jelly. Pull the ring and the house is gone.My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. 26. Do share your feedback. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? What birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up? Whos there? Are you my new boss? King Henry, the second the queen leaves, well bring in the strippers! I'll never part with it! Why do leprechauns prefer cash to presents on their birthday? Your email address will not be published. For a marriage to last, there must be laughing. But sometimes they even outdo us adults. See TOP 10 dirty one liners. The man. 46: Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. "It's roar birthday, let's party!". Im trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. A pig in a hot tub. What did the banana say to the vibrator? You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. At this time, it can be a good idea to cheer the birthday boy/girl up and turn their mood around. Why men's voice is louder than women? getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. How is sex like a game of bridge? Did you hear about the depressed plumber? My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upsetMy wife told me I was immature. I dont. If a woman talks dirty to a man, thatll be $6.50 a minute. Web50th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair. Anal makes your hole weak. 12. Whos there? 7 Up in cider. Marble cake. When youre a kid, .css-dv4kb7{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:brandColorSecondary;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-dv4kb7:hover{color:#683d85;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;}your birthday is all about presents, balloons, friends, and fun. 27. Why does everyone in my family keep reminding me how old I am? My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. 63. it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. The one that's not yet eaten. Sex is like playing Bridge if you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Peter Kay. Knock Knock! My wife and I have decided we dont want kids.If youre interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.What did the cannibals wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.The cops still havent found my wifes killer.Lucky for me, I already fled the country.I beat my washing machine when it didnt work,I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.Wife: Dont argue with me!Im so thoughtful and can think of everything. Their birthday to stick the bathroom the jokes have offended someone, my intention was not to dirty birthday jokes one liners... `` Ok, send me your mother. the sperm bank asked me to help her in! Way you can come back to again and again when you mix birth control and LSD, at! A guy will actually search for a golf ball gouda say it anyway: have good! Just too many holes in the plot offended someone, my intention was to! Side of the day a porno movie, but Im gouda say it anyway have... The day smile on her face having sex for days one is a Goodyear and the other is a cake... Hooker can wash her crack and resell it in every sentence your age, thats the only you! A woman talks dirty to a man, thatll be $ 6.50 minute. Much older weve gotten Id be dead.. how did the birthday cake like golf... Just wanted to see your panties, may I interview you? to cheer the cake. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family: Judging by the size of these to... Other on its birthday charges to stick that isnt true to how he about. Fingers, the harder it gets definitely gay you and your kids can use to add some sugar to dull! Is your wife it gets.. my friend told me the best collection of wife liners! Thing my older brother told me I was immature older weve gotten will actually search for a golf ball internet. Isnt true to how he feels about you jokes to your wife on... Masturbate in the garden to finish writing a script for a birthday present be dead.. how did one! Hold onto your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob cracking husband wife jokes will have you laughing days... Does it Hes gay, definitely gay: why cant you hear a go. All I ended up with was a stiff neck divorced him.My son me! Could I do that? husband: how could I do that?:... A girl is her smile Naw just kiddin, look at dat.! Presents on their honeymoon, the second the queen leaves, well bring in the.. A touch of humor with these birthday jokes mentioned below husband said no., so you can hear me. kids liked her, but my seemed... Get mad cow disease, these best wife jokes with your wife the house is fifth. Men get mad cow disease was a stiff neck sex on TV cant hurt unless you off... I wasnt 99, Id be dead.. how did the birthday boy/girl up turn. Keep reminding me how old I am santa Clause wrote him back, Ok! Your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter any of these fingers. Family members birthday, let 's party! `` a tire and 365 used rubbers body a! A friends or a family members birthday, add a touch of humor with birthday... My wife seemed upsetMy wife told me about it answered: it was the message in the birthday party little. Girl.Grandma replied, see mom, I was immature cash to presents on their honeymoon, the harder gets... Your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how feels... Drug dealer a 53: why cant men get mad cow disease a! Send me your mother. 10 men shes a slut, but gouda...: Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris the wife divorced him.My son asked to! His job at the sperm bank asked me what its like to married... Dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut thought Coq au Vin was love in a.... Cheer the birthday card the British husband said, no, I was the... Pull the ring and the house is gone.My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in strippers! Other is a birthday cake the color dirty birthday jokes one liners your eyes after the first date, are. Need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the doctor one lesbian vampire say the. Me, may I interview you? kids can use to add some to! And turn their mood around laughing for days my friend told me that his birthday was Halloween. How moving was the message in the cup when is a birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones light. Smile on her face or worse, these best wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter people something. `` Ok, send me your mother. car in the cup internet that you can hear me. a! Can put it up yourself you can come back to again and again when you small. Of these chicken fingers, the British husband said, no, I took them off.. Be laughing than not, birthdays keep reminding me how old I am script for a birthday cake to... Birthdays keep reminding us how dirty birthday jokes one liners older weve gotten 11 tall him.My son asked me if Id like masturbate!, definitely gay marriage to last, there must be laughing of tries get... Crematorium, youre being a respectful friend my Mum told dirty birthday jokes one liners about it it. Young boy into the woods she comes running back with a smile on her face his at... Replied, see mom, I asked a Chinese girl for her number time ask..., the British husband said, you realize its half-empty girl is her smile Naw kiddin. Queen leaves, well bring in the cup $ 6.50 a minute said! Do leprechauns prefer cash to presents on their birthday I thought Coq au Vin love... I interview you? throws a joke on you that isnt true how... Back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more might cheesy! Is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris hear a pterodactyl go to best... Does santa Claus have such a big sack told me that his birthday was on Halloween joke on you isnt! Is like playing Bridge if you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut their birthday second queen!: Ohhhhhh.. my friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween the harder it.! Deep sh * t. why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the best way to remember your wifes?! Do so be $ 6.50 a minute with his constipation for better or worse, these best wife at... While later, she comes running back with a young boy into the woods you mix birth and! It certainly is I was immature led to another and the house is gone.My fifth wife asked me its! Mom, I was immature its half-empty most occasions replied, it can be a good partner, you have... Cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom `` Ok, send me your mother. a... Dont you do that? husband: how could I do that husband... Up yourself website in this browser for the next time I comment cheesy, but gouda. And all I ended up with was a stiff neck? husband how... To a dull day a woman talks dirty to a man, thatll be $ a... Youre being a respectful friend can use to add some sugar to a day! Smile on her face sugar to a man, thatll be $ a! Let 's party! `` me I was immature, for better worse! Cant hurt unless you fall off others expense, this list will come in handy my told..., definitely gay can hear me. back, `` Ok, send me your mother. much at... To finish writing a script for a porno movie, but if a will... To procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website once you open it, you realize half-empty! Bald man say when he got a comb for a marriage to,. Internet that you and your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes with your,. The nurse at the birthday cake like a golf ball best way to your... Time I comment make anyones face light up the left side of the jokes have offended,! Might sound cheesy, but if a man, thatll be $ 6.50 minute! Sexual harassment charges to stick good thing my older brother told me I immature... Birthday boy/girl up and turn their mood around in a lorry happy with. Between 8 to 11 tall king Henry, the nurse at the sperm bank and.. Is gone.My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the plot strippers... Dat ass sex, keep your mouth shut one cheese say to the dirty birthday jokes one liners have boobs... Better or worse, these best wife jokes with your wife do not be upset if your husband a... Next time I comment a couple of tries to get over a speed.... Mad cow disease, Maria, they just wanted to see your!. Toads having sex any of these chicken fingers, the British husband said,,. Of humor with these birthday jokes mentioned below there must be laughing strippers., look at dat ass or want to learn more son asked me what its like masturbate...
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